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Conspiracy theories

Nevada's Harry Reid increasingly recognized as nutcase

By David Brooks

Harry Reid sits alone at his kitchen table at 4 a.m., writing important notes in crayon on the outside of envelopes. It's been four weeks since he launched his personal investigation into the Republican plot to manipulate intelligence to trick the American people into believing Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction.

Reid had heard of the secret GOP cabal bent on global empire, but he had no idea that he would find a conspiracy so immense.

Reid now knows that as far hack as 1998, Karl Rove was beaming microwaves into Bill Clinton's fillings to get him to exaggerate the intelligence on Iraq. In that year, Clinton argued, "Iraq still has stockpiles of chemical and biological munitions and the capacity to restart quickly its production program and build many, many more weapons."

These comments were part of the Republican plot to manipulate intelligence on Iraq.

Reid now knows that in the late 1990s, Dick Cheney and other Republican officials used fluoridated water in the State Department and other government agencies to brainwash Clinton administration officials into exaggerating the threat posed by Saddam Hussein.

In 1997 Clinton's defense secretary, William Cohen, went on national television and informed the American people that if Saddam has "as much VX in storage as the U.N. suspects" he would "be able to kill every human being on the face of the planet."

Secretary of State Madeleine Albright compared Saddam to Hitler and warned that he could 'use his weapons of mass destruction" or "become the salesman for weapons of mass destruction."

Clinton's national security adviser, Sandy Berger, warned that "Saddam's history of aggression, and his recent record of deception and defiance, leave no doubt that he would resume his drive for regional domination if he had the chance.

"Year after year, in conflict after conflict, Saddam has proven that he seeks weapons, including weapons of mass destruction, in order to use them." These comments were also part of the Republican conspiracy to exaggerate and manipulate intelligence.

Harry Reid sits alone at his kitchen table at 4 a.m., writing important notes in crayon on the outside of envelopes. It has been four weeks since he began investigating this conspiracy and three weeks since he sealed his windows with aluminum foil to ward off the Illuminati.

Odd patterns now leap into Reid's brain. Scooter Libby was born near a book depository but was indicted while at a theater. Karl Rove reads books from book depositories but rarely has time for the theater. What is the ratio of Bush tax cuts to the number of squares on a frozen waffle? It is none other than the Divine Proportion. This proves that Leonardo da Vinci manipulated intelligence on Iraq and that the Holy Grail is a woman!

Harry Reid sits alone at his kitchen table at 4 a.m. He knows now that seven centuries ago at a secret meeting of the Bilderberg Society-Trilateral Commission-American Enterprise Institute, the six High Lords of the Secret Order of the Neocons decided to implant alien life forms into potential Democratic officials that could be activated in case there was a need to manipulate intelligence on Iraq.

This is why in 2002 Al Gore declared that Saddam Hussein "has stored secret supplies of biological and chemical weapons throughout his country." This is why in 2001, a Clinton assistant secretary of state, Robert Einhorn, said at a congressional hearing, "Today, or at most within a few months, Iraq could launch missile attacks with chemical or biological weapons against its neighbors."

This is why the Clinton National Security Council staffer Kenneth Pollack has written, "The U.S. Intelligence Community's belief toward the end of the Clinton administration (was) that Iraq had reconstituted its nuclear weapons program and was close to acquiring nuclear weapons."

These assertions were all part of an elaborate Republican conspiracy to manipulate and exaggerate intelligence on Iraq.

Harry Reid sits alone at his kitchen table at 4 a.m. Odd thoughts rush through his brain. He cannot trust the letter "r," so he must change his name to Hawwy Weed. Brian Lamb secretly rules the world by manipulating the serial numbers on milk cartons.

Reid realizes there is only one solution: "Must call a secwet session of the Senate. Must expose global conspiwacy to sap vital juices! Must expose Wepublican plot to manipulate intelligence!"

Harry Reid sits alone at his kitchen table at 4 a.m.

David Brooks is a columnist for The New York Times.